On Being In Between

Being healthy is easy: you do whatever you want to do, have all the energy you need and take it for granted, turning all complaint instincts in other directions. Being acutely ill might not be easy, but it’s straightforward: you feel dreadful. Being and responding take most of your attention.

It’s the in-between state that seems most complicated to me: you’re not devoting full-time to recovery, and you can resume some of your regular life, but not all. In my case, I look like I always have and you cannot see any problems from short interactions. It’s just when I forget something that I said 10 minutes ago, or that I promised a student an extension (and even wrote email confirming it) or write nonsense on the blackboard, or cannot read a novel, or need to take a nap in order to teach for three hours, or ... you get the idea.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m grateful for all the progress so far. I count my blessings every day (and, no, Jill, I don’t sound like Oprah when I do it). My children have a mother and I can function at a pretty high level, especially in bursts. I can do a great imitation of my old self for several hours at a time most days. Not all days, but most. All days, I can work around the limitations and deficits.

None of that means that it’s comfortable and the hope that things are going to get better is a major component of my world view. If it doesn’t after another six to twelve months, well, we’ll readapt then. Until then, we keep hoping and watching for the signs that things continue to improve. We are still waiting for conclusions from the most recent set of blood tests, as well as what directions those might lead. We’re guessing they must not have provided the definitive answer, as long as it is taking the doc to get the results to us. Meanwhile, back on the road again tomorrow. Cheers.