The biggest change since surgery, the one that I regret the most, all the time, is that I cannot really read fiction any more. Having been a reader all my life, this change is fundamental, and affects not only my daily life but also my sense of self.
Tonight, I came home tired after a long day, and reached for a book out of habit. The interesting thing is that habit has been dormant for a long time. Since surgery, the desire to read has been a conscious process, knowing that it gives (gave) me comfort, even though when I’ve tried to read for pleasure it just hasn’t worked. Until today, the desire to try wasn’t really present. Today, I wanted to read and tried to read, and couldn’t. Even this was a big step forward for me, because the interest and desire were there, just not the capacity for follow-through. Still, it felt different than I’ve felt in many a month.
I choose to take this as a really good sign and one that may be a harbinger of better things to come.
Stay tuned. We’ll know more next week.
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